This week’s news that a lesbian couple in California filed for divorce just three days after their June wedding – citing irreconcilable differences – only confirmed my complete lack of interest in the dreaded, election clinching “gay marriage”. Irreconcilable differences? What the hell could change in three days that they weren't aware of previously?
Now, if you were a family member or friend or bridesmaid or groomswoman of that couple, you'd be feeling a little annoyed after spending a fortune on taffeta, hairdressing, new shoes, showers, gifts... You'd be outraged. Not even back from the honeymoon to Palm Springs for a few rounds of golf and they've called it quits. Makes Britney's first marriage look like a marathon.
Seriously, it makes you wonder how long they’d been together. Did they meet two days before the wedding and set up their joint account the next day? Were their pets incompatible? Did one of them run off with the maid of honour? Are they hoping to make the Guinness Book of Records for the shortest same-sex marriage on record? Questions, questions...
Or did they only get married in the first place because they could? Could it be that the dreary legality of it all took the spark out of their romance? Remember when everything was so naughty and wicked and not to be discussed in polite circles? Those were exciting days. Now lesbians are so chic that every vapid Hollywood bimbette is pretending to be one. (Gay men aren't quite so hip, although being "bi" is always a teensy bit cool.)
Do we want this marriage thing because we need it, or do we really want it because we can’t have it? Now that the battle seems all but over, has the whole thing become a big yawn and "gay marriage" not all it was cracked up to be?
In the immortal words of Carol Bayer Sager and Peter Allen:
Don't wish too hard for what you want
Or then you might get it
And then when you get it
You might find you didn't want it at all
Which, of course leads me to another Carol Bayer Sager classic:
Pack up your rubber duck
I'd like to wish you luck
Your funny cigarettes
Your sixty-one cassettes
Pack all your clothes away
Your rubber hose away
Your old day-glos away
You're moving out today
I shall refrain from repeating old jokes about lesbians arriving in a U-haul truck for their second date and gay men not bothering with second dates. For any Gen Ys that may be reading, a cassette was something we stored music on before Apple introduced iPods, so, like, in the Olden Days before electricity. As for day-glos, even I’m too young to remember what they are.
Naturally enough, this little statistical blip is the size of a
zeppelin on the radar of gay marriage opponents. Here's the evidence they need that sodomites and jezebels are disrespecting a sacred institution. And we all
know how some people love marriage; so much so that they feel
the need to indulge in it time and again. If you don't believe Americans hold the sanctity of marriage dear, you only need to look at how
seriously they take their Elvis weddings in Las Vegas.
In an article earlier this month, British website Pink News claimed
that less than one per cent of civil partnerships so far registered in
the UK had ended badly, which is statistically true of course, but
they've only been legally recognised since December 2005. We
have thousands of years of heterosexual married bliss to catch up on.
If same-sex marriages are destined to be so brief, perhaps we could adopt the Islamic solution. Not polygamy, although that does have its appeal. No, I mean the quickie divorce, which would certainly suit fellows who struggle with dreary monogamy. Bored with bonking the other half? Just say “I divorce you" three times and it’s all over but for the haggling over who gets the bathroom chandelier. And in these modern times it’s become even easier, as a simple text message will suffice: I DVC U, I DVC U, I DVC U... BITCH >:-(
For lesbians, unfortunately, it’s not so simple. The rules are different for women. (I know you’re surprised.) It’s off to the courts gayelles, where a man will decide whether it’s okay for you to divorce. Who says the secular West and Islam have nothing in common? Never mind, there is some good news: the fact that you’re both female will negate the sticky problem of a woman being only half the value of a man under sharia law, although I suppose that could mean the judge will keep half the property and split the rest between you.
But every cloud has its silver lining! Think of all those poverty stricken law practitioners out there who will benefit from gay divorce. Take Massachussets lawyer, Peter Zupcofska, who has allegedly become known as "the master of gay divorce." For a
$25,000 retainer, he leads couples through the intricacies of how
best to break up. Such a sweetie.
According to Zupcofska, divorces present gay couples with a
"new opportunity to make things right" when a relationship ends. (To think that used to be something marriage guidance counsellors offered while the relationship was still intact! How old fashioned.) "Divorce is a critical part of marriage," says Peter Zupcofska with a straight face. George Orwell couldn't have put it better.
Comments (1)
What about Britney Spears 3 day marriage? written by Colin L, August 15, 2008 - 8:24:34 pm CDT
Methinks that the comments (although admittedly probably intended to “rattle a few cages”) probably say as much about the writer, as the subject matter of the column. Just as the decriminalization of homosexuality in WA in recent years didn’t make it compulsory, the ability of same sex couples to legally marry would give those of us in same-sex relationships the option of marriage, if we wished to pursue it.
To seriously consider comparing the situation described in the column, to that of other same-sex couples who may or may not have been together for two months or two decades (or more) is to me like trying to compare the “Sanctity of Marriage” shown by Britney Spears 2004 marriage to Jason Alexander (till it was annulled a few days later) in a Las Vegas “Marriage Chapel” to that of marriages like that of my parents (and many others) which was a case of “till death us do part” after almost 40 years.
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The 2008 Pride Parade may have been among the smallest, and certainly
the fastest in Pride's 19 years, but it remains a relevant and
important event according to this year's convenor, Charles Denham.
Gay favourite Rachel Berger is among the headliners this year as the Wild West Comedy Fest returns
to Perth for 26 days of hilarity and hijinks. Other Australian comedy
stars on the bill include Bob Franklin, Tom Gleeson, Fiona O’Loughlin
and Scared Little Weird
Guys.
Rebuilding trust was the key to the success of this year's Pride events
according to festival convenor, Kieran Bycroft. While some events did
less well than expected, many attracted good crowds and some film and
theatre sessions were sold out.
African-American and Latino voters were a powerful force in electing Barack Obama and also in passing Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriage. Exit polls
showed 70 percent of black voters, and a majority of Latino
voters, voted yes to the ban. More here.
Three US states ban marriage
Three US states passed amendments banning same-sex marriage in the historic vote that also saw the election of the nation's first black president. Voters in California, Arizona and Florida approved proposals to outlaw same-sex
marriage. More here (free registration retired)and here.
California's marriage war rages on
Having failed to save same-sex marriage, GLBT Californians are taking their fight to court. City attorneys from San Francisco, Los Angeles and Santa Clara will seek to invalidate Proposition 8 on the grounds that it conflicts with the equal
protection pillars of the state Constitution. More here, here, here and here.
Caught with their pants down in Malaysia
Malaysian police raided four gay "parties" on the weekend and arrested some 70 people after finding DVDs, gay magazines, lubricants and boxes of condom. A small reminder to be cautious in Malaysia and Singapore, where the aptly named Straits Times gleefully prints your photo. Details here.
Burning in hell on Earth
God Hates Fags! posters have become one of the symbols of the great divide in America. Now the son of
vile and crazy Rev Fred Phelps speaks out for the first time about the violent abuse he
suffered at the hands of his father. Read it here, along with
the response from his delightful sister, Shirley.
Circumcision HIV benefits in doubt
US analysis of data on 53,567 men who have sex with other men has
found that circumcision is ineffective in reducing HIV rates.
African trials have shown circumcision cuts the likelihood of male to female HIV transmission by up to 60 per cent. More here and here.
Only gay in the village proud but sad
Australian Olympic gold medalist, Matthew Mitcham, is proud but also sad to have been the only gay in the village at Beijing. The champion diver says his decision to come out before the games was a vital part of the gold medal performance that denied China a clean sweep. More here.
Lover cooked and served with herbs
A plague of gay cannibals threatens to overrun the planet, with the latest outbreak reported in Leeds, where a former Mr Gay UK is on trial for killing a former lover and attempting to eat part of his thigh. Anthony Morley, 36, is accused of murdering Damian Oldfield and cooking parts of his flesh. More here.
Big HIV rise among China's gay men
HIV infections have increased alarmingly among gay and bisexual men in parts of
China according to new data. There were an estimated 700,000 HIV/AIDS cases in China as of
October 2007, up 8 percent from 2006. Cases among gay and bisexual men jumped to 3.3 percent in 2007 from 0.4 percent in 2005. More here.
Dancing in a circle with your friends, it's quickly becoming the
perfect night out. However amid the fifth round of drinks and
renditions of I Kissed a Girl, you can't help but feel a rift over the
dance floor.
From the Pride theatre and film seasons through to the Great Gay &
Lesbian Debate, Parade and Party, I thoroughly enjoyed this year's
Pride Festival. View footage from the debate and Parade and read about my festival highlights and the challenges I think Pride faces next year.
In winning today’s Presidential election, Barack Obama has provided the
world with the opportunity for a new beginning and his country with the
opportunity to put the disastrous Bush years behind it.
For some time now it's been popular among members of Generation Y to
declare that something is "so gay" to indicate that it's dumb, silly,
bad, ugly, unattractive, geeky, embarrassing, gaudy or even just plain
dull. That’s so gay. That’s so gay.
That’s so gay. It's the dull that hurts the most.
While I may not be the first person to go out on a limb and declare
that Barack Obama will win this year's Presidential election, I may be
among the first to declare that Sarah Palin will win the Republican
nomination and challenge him in 2012. That is, if she hasn't
bankrupted the Republicans with her wardrobe expenses first.
The global financial meltdown and impending economic Armageddon may
have an unexpected upside. For the first time in half a generation,
there may finally be a pool of people with the time on their
hands necessary to build exciting Parade floats.
Love All will return in 2009, with organisers bringing the event
forward to February to take advantage of the guaranteed summer weather.
The 2008 Pride Parade may have been among the smallest, and certainly
the fastest in Pride's 19 years, but it remains a relevant and
important event according to this year's convenor, Charles Denham.
Gay favourite Rachel Berger is among the headliners this year as the Wild West Comedy Fest returns
to Perth for 26 days of hilarity and hijinks. Other Australian comedy
stars on the bill include Bob Franklin, Tom Gleeson, Fiona O’Loughlin
and Scared Little Weird
Guys.
Rebuilding trust was the key to the success of this year's Pride events
according to festival convenor, Kieran Bycroft. While some events did
less well than expected, many attracted good crowds and some film and
theatre sessions were sold out.
African-American and Latino voters were a powerful force in electing Barack Obama and also in passing Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriage. Exit polls
showed 70 percent of black voters, and a majority of Latino
voters, voted yes to the ban. More 
Three US states passed amendments banning same-sex marriage in the historic vote that also saw the election of the nation's first black president. Voters in California, Arizona and Florida approved proposals to outlaw same-sex
marriage. More 
Having failed to save same-sex marriage, GLBT Californians are taking their fight to court. City attorneys from San Francisco, Los Angeles and Santa Clara will seek to invalidate Proposition 8 on the grounds that it conflicts with the equal
protection pillars of the state Constitution. More 
Malaysian police raided four gay "parties" on the weekend and arrested some 70 people after finding DVDs, gay magazines, lubricants and boxes of condom. A small reminder to be cautious in Malaysia and Singapore, where the aptly named Straits Times gleefully prints your photo. Details 
God Hates Fags! posters have become one of the symbols of the great divide in America. Now the son of
vile and crazy Rev Fred Phelps speaks out for the first time about the violent abuse he
suffered at the hands of his father. Read it 
US analysis of data on 53,567 men who have sex with other men has
found that circumcision is ineffective in reducing HIV rates.
African trials have shown circumcision cuts the likelihood of male to female HIV transmission by up to 60 per cent. More 
Australian Olympic gold medalist, Matthew Mitcham, is proud but also sad to have been the only gay in the village at Beijing. The champion diver says his decision to come out before the games was a vital part of the gold medal performance that denied China a clean sweep. More 
A plague of gay cannibals threatens to overrun the planet, with the latest outbreak reported in Leeds, where a former Mr Gay UK is on trial for killing a former lover and attempting to eat part of his thigh. Anthony Morley, 36, is accused of murdering Damian Oldfield and cooking parts of his flesh. More 
HIV infections have increased alarmingly among gay and bisexual men in parts of
China according to new data. There were an estimated 700,000 HIV/AIDS cases in China as of
October 2007, up 8 percent from 2006. Cases among gay and bisexual men jumped to 3.3 percent in 2007 from 0.4 percent in 2005. More 
Dancing in a circle with your friends, it's quickly becoming the
perfect night out. However amid the fifth round of drinks and
renditions of I Kissed a Girl, you can't help but feel a rift over the
dance floor.
From the Pride theatre and film seasons through to the Great Gay &
Lesbian Debate, Parade and Party, I thoroughly enjoyed this year's
Pride Festival. View footage from the debate and Parade and read about my festival highlights and the challenges I think Pride faces next year.
In winning today’s Presidential election, Barack Obama has provided the
world with the opportunity for a new beginning and his country with the
opportunity to put the disastrous Bush years behind it.
For some time now it's been popular among members of Generation Y to
declare that something is "so gay" to indicate that it's dumb, silly,
bad, ugly, unattractive, geeky, embarrassing, gaudy or even just plain
dull. That’s so gay. That’s so gay.
That’s so gay. It's the dull that hurts the most.
While I may not be the first person to go out on a limb and declare
that Barack Obama will win this year's Presidential election, I may be
among the first to declare that Sarah Palin will win the Republican
nomination and challenge him in 2012. That is, if she hasn't
bankrupted the Republicans with her wardrobe expenses first.
The global financial meltdown and impending economic Armageddon may
have an unexpected upside. For the first time in half a generation,
there may finally be a pool of people with the time on their
hands necessary to build exciting Parade floats.
written by Colin L, August 15, 2008 - 8:24:34 pm CDT
Methinks that the comments (although admittedly probably intended to “rattle a few cages”) probably say as much about the writer, as the subject matter of the column.
Just as the decriminalization of homosexuality in WA in recent years didn’t make it compulsory, the ability of same sex couples to legally marry would give those of us in same-sex relationships the option of marriage, if we wished to pursue it.
To seriously consider comparing the situation described in the column, to that of other same-sex couples who may or may not have been together for two months or two decades (or more) is to me like trying to compare the “Sanctity of Marriage” shown by Britney Spears 2004 marriage to Jason Alexander (till it was annulled a few days later) in a Las Vegas “Marriage Chapel” to that of marriages like that of my parents (and many others) which was a case of “till death us do part” after almost 40 years.